It's been 11 days since my top surgery and I finally have no drains or tubes hanging out! The drain on my right side was removed yesterday as the PA made me "cross my heart and swear that there had been less than 30 CCs of fluid daily for the last 3 days. The last time they talked to me about it the requirement was <25 cc per day for 2 days, anyway, I didn't know how to do the cross my heart thing and he removed the drain. Sweet! Showering is much easier and the only concern I have is keeping water from the shower head from spraying directly onto my nipples. Apparently new blood vessels grow into the grafts in 3-4 days, but the cells that attach them to the existing skin takes a few weeks to get strong. Shearing force (side to side movement) can rip a nipple graft right off so I am very careful when changing shirts.
I am super happy with the incisions on my chest and unhappy with what is going on in my arm pits. Most of that skin is either numb, or screaming about being touched. "Dog ears" is what the surgical result is called, but I had no idea how uncomfortable it would be to feel the bundle of misshapen flesh, with damaged nerves under my arms. There is no escape from it. I am told there are often revisions required, which makes me think about more drain tubes and cutting! Ugh. It would be nice to just be in the healing part of this adventure.
My wife is concerned about intimacy and heart rates. The surgeon told her that my heart rate is not supposed to go over 100 beats per minute (BPM). I am not sure why, but it could be to keep down swelling. Yes, swelling is uncomfortable, but I have no idea when this limitation is supposed to be lifted!
< 5/14 Note, I asked my doctor about the heart rate thing and it is about blood clots. Increased blood pressure could send a clot from the surgery to your heart or somewhere else terrible>
Oh, an interesting thing to mention about me. Before the top surgery I was unable to see myself as I was in a mirror. A lot of people have this issue to varying degrees. Many people see themselves as fatter, or their nose looks too big. In my case, what I saw in the mirror was always good. Now when I look in the mirror it's like some spell has been broken. I can see my wrinkles, my fat stomach, and my stretch marks. I think I see everything now. I attribute this to coping with gender dysphoria. It must have been how I was able to cope, to not see the things that were distressing. So now I know just how fat I am. This is good, and it sucks at the same time.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017
5 days since top surgery
It's been 5 days since my top surgery. I went to a doctor appointment to be looked over and have some tubes removed. I had a pain deliver system that involved a pressure pump and tubes that delivered a pain medication under my skin. It felt weird to have the tubes (about 4" each) under my skin removed. I am left with one drain under my right arm pit. It is painful (slightly), irritating, it itches, and I would very much like it gone. I also got the bandages off of my new (slightly used tissue) nipples. The doctor says they look great. They look like scabby prune skin and they hurt when I get out of bed or do anything to pull the skin across my chest, but pain is how you know you are alive, or that your nipples are alive.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
3 days since top surgery
It's been 3 days since my top surgery. Among the jokes from my family about how it looks like I have tomatillos attached to my new nipples, there's more about nipples.
Because my breasts were large, I had double incision chest surgery. Because of some "extra" tissue (quoting the surgeon here) between my pectoral muscles, those incisions actual join together where some special extra cutting happened to prevent me from having a fleshy "nose" in the middle of my chest. Anyway, along with those incisions, I also had my nipples removed, grafts made out of them, and then they were moved to a more natural masculine positioning. There is much explaining about how there will be loss of sensation in them, (think about if that is important to you), etc. However, what no one explained about is how there could possibly be phantom nipple sensation. I repeat, phantom nipples. Apparently I am one of the lucky folks who can still feel the old nipples in the vicinity of where they were previously located. It's not pain though. It's like it's cold outside and they are contracting. It's a particular sensation that pretty much anyone with nipples has experienced. From what I read, it could go away, it may not. It's weird.
Other than phantom nipples, which is just strange, I feel pretty good. My right drain is putting out way to much fluid for me to be super hopeful about it being removed on Monday, but it could still slow down enough. Maybe.
Because my breasts were large, I had double incision chest surgery. Because of some "extra" tissue (quoting the surgeon here) between my pectoral muscles, those incisions actual join together where some special extra cutting happened to prevent me from having a fleshy "nose" in the middle of my chest. Anyway, along with those incisions, I also had my nipples removed, grafts made out of them, and then they were moved to a more natural masculine positioning. There is much explaining about how there will be loss of sensation in them, (think about if that is important to you), etc. However, what no one explained about is how there could possibly be phantom nipple sensation. I repeat, phantom nipples. Apparently I am one of the lucky folks who can still feel the old nipples in the vicinity of where they were previously located. It's not pain though. It's like it's cold outside and they are contracting. It's a particular sensation that pretty much anyone with nipples has experienced. From what I read, it could go away, it may not. It's weird.
Other than phantom nipples, which is just strange, I feel pretty good. My right drain is putting out way to much fluid for me to be super hopeful about it being removed on Monday, but it could still slow down enough. Maybe.
Middle-aged Top Surgery
I just had top surgery a couple days ago. I wondered if I would mourn my smooth unbroken flesh, but I don't. My new chest is strange to me, but it is intriguing. I learned to live with my old chest, but I had to work up to that from terror, disgust, horror, to resolve. As an adolescent I wished and prayed that I wold wake up and some kind of magic would happen while I slept and the mistake of my body would be corrected. That doesn't happen.
At 53 years old I re-shaped myself. I looked at myself and I see a stranger, but an interesting stranger with potential. I have no regrets about it at all. Anything was better than what I had, even uneven raised scars and a missing nipple would be better. Anything.
When I started this process, seeing doctors and therapists, jumping through hoops for insurance, I didn't want to get my hopes up and have it taken away from me. It didn't happen for me truly, until it was done. It's not like I didn't make preparations though, I did. I was very over weight and my surgeon talked of all kinds of complications like they were a given. I lost 20 lbs and that talk stopped. I did upper body weight training in the hopes that the surgeon would have an easier time following the contours of my muscles while making the incisions. My results look good, but I'm not sure that is the reason. I wanted to do all the right things to prepare, but there is no way to know for sure what your personal experience will be. I found out that I should have done sit ups because I must use those muscles to get out of bed. I was very cavalier about it the first day, now I am agonized every time I must do it AGAIN. I am not taking pain meds because I am taking 4 classes and I was concerned about slowing down my digestion. It still sloooowed. I'm not sure when that will be resolved. Maybe I need to drink more water.
The big things I'd share if anyone cared to ask about are:
You can't do this on your own. It requires friends or family to help you. I have 24/7 care that my poor harried spouse is providing. The things she is helping me with are bathing, emptying fluids draining from the incisions, feeding me, helping me dress and walk. She is also taking care of everything else in our house. She is doing a lot. This surgery makes you helpless.
Using the toilet is difficult. I installed a bidet (it sprays water on your butt) right before having surgery. Wiping is mostly just drying off. The bidet has made that issue a lot easier. It cost under $40.
Top surgery is a huge decision. It is a permanent decision. After the surgery, you are still the same person with the same problems. It may help a little on the outside, but not so much on the inside.
Afterwards, you need time to adjust. You need time to heal.
At 53 years old I re-shaped myself. I looked at myself and I see a stranger, but an interesting stranger with potential. I have no regrets about it at all. Anything was better than what I had, even uneven raised scars and a missing nipple would be better. Anything.
When I started this process, seeing doctors and therapists, jumping through hoops for insurance, I didn't want to get my hopes up and have it taken away from me. It didn't happen for me truly, until it was done. It's not like I didn't make preparations though, I did. I was very over weight and my surgeon talked of all kinds of complications like they were a given. I lost 20 lbs and that talk stopped. I did upper body weight training in the hopes that the surgeon would have an easier time following the contours of my muscles while making the incisions. My results look good, but I'm not sure that is the reason. I wanted to do all the right things to prepare, but there is no way to know for sure what your personal experience will be. I found out that I should have done sit ups because I must use those muscles to get out of bed. I was very cavalier about it the first day, now I am agonized every time I must do it AGAIN. I am not taking pain meds because I am taking 4 classes and I was concerned about slowing down my digestion. It still sloooowed. I'm not sure when that will be resolved. Maybe I need to drink more water.
The big things I'd share if anyone cared to ask about are:
You can't do this on your own. It requires friends or family to help you. I have 24/7 care that my poor harried spouse is providing. The things she is helping me with are bathing, emptying fluids draining from the incisions, feeding me, helping me dress and walk. She is also taking care of everything else in our house. She is doing a lot. This surgery makes you helpless.
Using the toilet is difficult. I installed a bidet (it sprays water on your butt) right before having surgery. Wiping is mostly just drying off. The bidet has made that issue a lot easier. It cost under $40.
Top surgery is a huge decision. It is a permanent decision. After the surgery, you are still the same person with the same problems. It may help a little on the outside, but not so much on the inside.
Afterwards, you need time to adjust. You need time to heal.
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